I just thought i would post my story as it does put a slightly different slant on things. I have been married for 20 years but for a number of years my husband was mentally and physically abusive towards me. I did want to leave on many occasions but it is often easier said than done. His behaviour towards me totally knocked my self confidence and wore me down. We both had individual issues from childhood that we needed to deal with so I did suggest to him that we both got councelling together as a couple but also individually to sort out our issues but he refused to do that as it was no one elses business but ours. I went off and got councelling myself but it was not a success as I could not relateto councellor.
Gradually as time went on I got more and more depressed (although I didn't recognise it). I just carried on my day to day life as mum and wife etc trying to remain strong for kids sake.
In 2003 I finally could take no more and had a nervous breakdown. By this time I was not eating, not sleeping, self harming on a regular basis but still hiding it from everyone and running off for hours on end to the local cemetary crouching in the chapel doorway. It was my husband who recognised how ill i was. He would come and find me when i ran off and one day noticed the cuts on my arms. He phoned my GP who immediately got me into the local mental health unit as an inpatient.
This was far worse than any abuse I had suffered at the hands of my husband, it was the worst time of my life but it did serve to get me to wake up to myself and my husband also did the same. I spent a few weeks in the unit and was then discharged to the care of a day centre where I went everyday for therapy, councelling and relaxation sessions of various kinds. My husband also got help as the perpertrator of the violence with councelling, anger management etc.
It took a couple of years of all the different therapies but now we are very happy and have another child (18 months old), something we always wanted but I would not do because of his attitude to me and violence. The violence and mental abuse has stopped. We still argue but handle it much better so things don't get out of hand.
I did learn that although there is no excuse for violence, sometimes my actions would actually fuel the situation and make things worse.
The point to all this is that although it may not work for everyone, if help is sought early enough and the root cause is discovered then a violent relationship can be turned around. I would say though that if the violence is regular (it wasn't with me), or fuelled by drink/drugs then just get out. if you want to make things work then it can still be done but whilst you are apart, getting the necessary help and starting the relationship over again.  |