After arriving back from greece with a fantastic tan and very relaxed i was 14 weeks gone.

i was so pleased to see john, i missed him so much which just confirmed my feelings for him. when we started of i had not long come out of a 4 year relationship and the same for him. it was just supposed to be a bit of fun! i never realised how much you could actually love someone until i came out of that airport and saw him.

Anyway when i came back i had my letter back from the t.a, i had been accepted so far! never mind, nobody had know so it\\\\\\\'s not as if it was set in stone. i was disappointed but got over it.

anyway about a week or so later john was acting really strange. one night he asked me to come round to his. i got there and he took me out for dinner but stayed pretty much silent. we got home and he told me he had something really important to tell me and that i was going to hate him and he understood if i walked away. strange! no scary!

now this is where my story gets difficult. i\\\\\\\'m gonna ask you all not to judge. not just me but every one involved.

what he told me hit me like a rocket!

herion addict!!!

just that word made me cringe, i hated drugs never touched them not even touched a joint! i hated everyone who did them they were dirty scum! but not john. not the father of my baby. not this man that i was so in love with.
i then had to face another tough decision withen a second i either had to walk away now right this second or i would never be able too!
i didn\\\\\\\'t walk away. i just hugged him told him i loved him and that we would get through it.
he assured me he never injected. which explained why maybe he looked normal he had a good job. he was a sales manager for a food distribustion company. it was madness how had i not known?

we decied he should go away. his mum lived in spain so he got a month of work and flew over to try and get himself straight. i was hopeful but then why wouldn\\\\\\\'t i be i didn\\\\\\\'t know about this stuff.

anyway john returned. fresh happy and excited. things were great again.

by now i was eigteen weeks pregnant. i had stayed at johns and was woken by my mobile ringing. i left it thinking it was one of the girls asking if i could cover the early start. but when i woke properly i had a funny feeling about that call i listened to my answer phone message. dad, asking to phone back. i tryed the house and no reply so i phoned his mobile. my great nan. my favourite person in the world my angel had gone to sleep.forever! i was heartboken. i cannot explain how i felt! the first thing was maybe guilt because i was so self involved with everything else i hadn\\\\\\\'t been to see her in a few weeks. i used to go religously twice a week.

and she wouldn\\\\\\\'t get to see the baby. and of course that she would find out my big secret. she would be so disappointed in me. i was always the good girl. the clever one!

a week later the first funeral i had ever been too. i didn\\\\\\\'t handle it very well. i was an emotional wreck. also trying to cover my huge belly as i thought it was inapropriate until my grandad put his hand on my stomach and said she is making room for this one hayz so don\\\\\\\'t be sad!

as the curtains drew a close i was in tears not only for my nan but for my baby who at that second had kicked me for the first time! which told me maybe what my garndad had said might be true! i think that is what got me through my greif.