i am one of the many women in the uk who was too ashamed to seek medical help. i felt that they would brand me a bad mother. i also felt a failure as a mum. i felt that it was my fault that i couldnt bond with my daughter.
i remember feeling disappointed at the birth, because the bond wasnt there. i know they say it takes time, but i feel my depression went from there. i still felt ashamed, like i wasnt trying hard enough.
i think the low point came when my partner john started back to work on nights. it was unfortunately only a few days after the birth, as he was not allowed any time off of work. i wasnt ready to be on my own with a new born baby. and it showed.
ashley spent most of that first night crying and that meant i was crying with her. the most awful point came when i started to shout at her to be quiet. i would like to stress that i have NEVER hit her. i just got increasingly frustrated as i didnt know what to do for the best. it didnt help much that i was really lonely. i had recently moved away from my mum, and it was her that i really wanted. i would love to have had a hug off of her. i was keeping up appearances as i didnt want anyone to know as i was terrified they would take ashley away from me.
my mum eventually found out and she urged me to talk to john at least. although i was constantly moody john had put this down to my hormones. another thing that was going against me was myself. i hated how i looked and i wanted to feel sexy again.
my friends were virtually disappearing too. before i had many but now i can count all my friends on one hand. not really needing to use my thumb.
things got better for a while as christmas was just around the corner. i was starting to feel more cheerful. but as the new year came and went, i was back to square one. i was still frustrated and upset at my so called maternal skills. but now i was starting to take it out on john. he was feeling the brunt of my anger for the littlest of things.
so the next day i had an appointment with ny GP. He did not ask me how i was feeling. he gave me anti depressants and sent me on my way. this got me down so much as i felt that i would be feeling this way forever.
although i did have my health visitor. she was really great. she chatted with me for ages when i took ashley for weigh ins. i also had john who was treating me like a princess.
i also have to thank my brother and sister in law colin and mandy. they were such stars. they helped me and john when we moved, they have babysat for us as well as spoiling ashley rotten. they would often come and sit with me most nights whenever john was working. and i have to mention that in order to get to my house they have to get one 25 minute bus and one half an hour bus to get there.
ashley is 2 in november. im not quite back to my normal self. but im a hell of a lot better to what i was.
i apologise for rambling, but i guess what im trying to get across is do not keep it to yourself. you will just end up worse. and keep your family involved they are a major help.
or come and tell us at mums-room.